Anyone remember A. Whitney Brown? He was probably the only regular SNL Weekend Update guest that was funnier than most of the hosts. I fondly remember that was SNL Update's greatest era, with Miller hosting and Brown knocking quite a few satirical pieces out of the park. He called his essays "The Big Picture."
I was reminiscing about those bits and started Googling Brown, when I came across this Update transcript from February 25th, 1989. In these days of Lt. Gen. Mattis, Gen. Boykin, and Mr. Dobson; A. Whitney Brown's 16-year-old observations still ring true.
"Dennis Miller: And now, once again, I present a man for whom I would willingly lay down my life: the guiding light of my existence, A. Whitney Brown with The Big Picture. Whitney? [cheers and applause for A. Whitney Brown who shakes hands with Dennis]
A. Whitney Brown: Thank you. Well, my friends, once again, religious fanaticism is showing its true colors. And when you put it into the Big Picture, you can see dung heaps of intolerance piling up in dogmatic kennels all over the world. So, instead of trying to pluck the mote of hypocrisy out of our Muslim brother's eye, let's take one of the logs out of our own and put it through the buzz saw of the Big Picture.
I happen to know we have some pretty wild-eyed religious cults right here at home because I was raised by one -- the Baptists. ... Their basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. ... 'Bobbing for Baptists,' they call it. ... I finally left the church. But they got even with me. Oh, yeah. They sent my address to the Jehovah's Witnesses. ... Five of them showed up, tried to 'gang-save' me in my own living room. ... But all fundamentalists -- Shiites, Moonies or Mormons -- share the same belief: that you should live your life devoid of pleasure so you can go to Heaven when it's over. Which is basically like keeping your eyes shut through a movie in the hopes that you'll get your money back at the end. ...
Now, here in America, we keep the home fires of religious intolerance burning by torching abortion clinics. And it seems to me a little ironic that those most militant about the rights of the unborn are those that have been born again. ... And now, the President wants the Supreme Court to overturn Roe vs. Wade. Now, we can safely assume that the Vice-President's thoughts are pretty much the same. Although not as frequent. ... Or as fully-formed. ... In fact, according to the Washington Post, Dan Quayle thought Roe vs. Wade were alternative ways to cross the Potomac. ... [cheers and applause] Now, as for me, I don't think there's any way to know if you have any rights before you're born. But I do know that being born again doesn't entitle you to twice as many. ... So, if any of this has been blasphemy to you, then good! Because it's been a blast for me, too. ... [applause] And that, my friends, is the Big Picture."
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