Here's some original blog reporting on one of our local wingnuts, Gilbert Mayor Steven Berman. This will be an "as told to" report, as I didn't personally witness the incident. Names were not changed, but snark has been liberally added.
Apparently, while sitting at a small coffee bar in a Gilbert beauty salon complex, my source saw a man hurriedly running about the building as if he had just stolen something. This witness, while not a political junkie, immediately suspected the man to be Gilbert Mayor Steven Berman.
How could he be so perceptive, you ask? Because Mr. Insecurity Complex was wearing a black t-shirt with the following emblazoned on it: "Gilbert Mayor Steven Berman." I'm serious, I asked him twice. This leads me to wonder, did Mr. Berman get picked on in grade school?
Back to the story: watching a town mayor running around like he's late for a perm and pedicure is amusing enough, but it also peaked the interest of the witness. Why was he here?
A young woman approached the former Army captain and asked him if she could help. I mention "former Army captain," because it is the only part of his resume Mr. Berman apparently didn't recite while intimidating the woman.
"I need to know where "Shell" is! Tell me now, before I get the [department of health] to shut this place down! I'll do it! Listen, I own the Gilbert Police Department and I'll search this entire building!" which probably comes as a surprise to the Chief of Police; but who knows, maybe he is bought and paid for by the mayor.
This story was too good to pass up, so after hearing about it, I headed down to this establishment to talk to some of people unfortunate enough to have run into this Mayor With Short Penis.
Apparently he had something shipped via UPS worth a couple hundred bucks that he suspects ended up in this beauty salon. He won't say what it was, or how he managed to mangle the address so completely it went to a beauty salon. He was overheard stating it would benefit only him [Viagra?].
The upshot is, he's winning friends and influencing people by intimidation and forced searches. Allegedly, he loudly proclaimed while handing out his business card, "Well, I won't give my mayoral business card which could shut down your business, or my Gilbert PD business card, which I own and could send in here right now and turn your place upside down, I'll give you my real estate business card!"
Berman, dude, you're kidding right? It's time to hire new speech writers. This sounds the kind of banter that ends with, "did I just drop my Congressional Medal of Honor?" Lemme guess, Stevie, you were there when the shit went down in Grenada, right?
Apparently, there actually is a studio there owned by this mysterious "Shell", which is short for Michelle. She was out, so Berman apparently used his threats to search the salon of the woman who had tried to help him! What was gained by this? Showing that Grand Ol' Party respect for the right to freedom from illegal searches?
I asked those who experienced Mr. Envy's wrath if they felt they were owed an apology. Well, as you might expect, those involved want the entire thing to go away. That's a damn shame, but God Bless 'Em. To me, this just reinforces the stereotype of Republican hubris, some doorknob running around like royalty, pissing on the peasants, because his girly magazines got lost in the mail.
The last example of local Republican leadership this dumb, in my opinion, is Scottsdale Mayor Sam Campana and her famous "911? How do I get to Hayden and McClintock? This is an emergency!"
I wonder if she then claimed to own the Scottsdale PD?
Mr. Berman, the next time you feel like braying about who and what you own, remember this. In America, the government is by the people, for the people. If anyone owns anyone else, we own you. (By the way, where can I get one of those cool t-shirts, eh? I paid for 'em, didn't I?)